Is there sex after marriage? AND Is it okay to fantasize?
	April 25th, 2000 Cityline

The first question begins with an assumption that people have sex before marriage. We know this is not true for one and all so it's important to interpret this question in the broader context of What happens to sex over periods of time and when does sex stop (and start up again?) for couples?

Many couples who are sexually active prior to marriage make jokes about the drop in frequency and intensity of sexual activity once they have moved in and/or get married. For many, the burdens which tend to follow these events begin the real life journeys they are about to embark upon. This is also true for couples engaging in second and third marriages, creating the added burdens of step-families, blended situations and more complicated family constellations. Couples often need to work at sex in order to be sure they are fulfilling their own needs and the needs of their partner.

Sex can stop or be limited for good reasons too. Sometimes this is complicated. The birth of the first child usually demonstrates this idea best. Here we are, great and healthy baby, exhaustion, and no sex! Yes, we love each other. Yes, we agreed this is what we wanted. Yes, people told us it was tiring. No, we are not okay without sex. Especially if sexual intimacy was a high priority for both of us prior to conception. This may take place with other good news like promotions (I'm moving up and too tired to enjoy it!), the new house (more bills, take all the overtime!) And honey, we're having triplets! Be careful to keep the full perspective when assessing a singular problem and looking for solutions. Figure it all out and fix only the part that needs fixing. When things are good and you aren't having sex be careful not to make it everything! Make it one thing, it's easier to approach and to fix.

If you have experienced a significant drop off in sexual activity and it cannot be explained and/or normalized by recent life events, take a moment to look at the whole of the relationship to decide if you think "We have a sex problem" or "We have problems and sex is where it shows up." Deciding what problem or what kind of problem you are experiencing requires attention prior to finding a solution.

Many couples look towards sex as a touchstone or way of measuring how things are going in general. Here's something that may be worth taking a look at while thinking about your relationship in terms of sex & intimacy & feeling close to one another.

There are three basic forms of intimacy couples might experience in their relationship;

The first is emotional intimacy. Do we feel close? Do we talk about intimate or important private things? Do we share our feelings? Is there a sense that we pick each other for this kind of interaction?

The second is physical intimacy. Do we touch? Do we hold hands.? Do we sit next to each other? Do we play? Do we lie in bed together (albeit watching the hockey game!)?

The third is sexual intimacy. Do we have sex? Is it loving? Do we feel good? Is it pleasurable? Is it a way to wind up feeling love and expressing love? Is there a place where women need love to get to sex and men need sex to get to love makes some degree of sense?

Do we have all 3 forms of intimacy?

Do we have 2 out of three? Which 2?

Do we have 1 out of three?

Which do I consider more important and which is more important to my partner? Is this okay?

People often confuse sex and intimacy. Try not to. Saying things like we haven't been intimate in a few months means we have not been sexually, as well as physically and emotionally close (intimate). This identifies the issue as larger than that of sexual activity having come to a halt. No intimacy for a few months is a different and often more significant problem that no sex for a few months.

FANTASY.....FANTASIES..... FANTASIZING...

Yes, it is healthy and normal to have fantasies. Generally we need to try and keep a number of things in mind. Today's show covered (or tried to cover) the following:

• Be careful. Fantasies can be an escape but they can also be a way of avoiding real life situations. Fantasies that a movie star will whisk you off and away are fun! If they are your escape out of the pain of an abusive relationship, stop and try and have a look at reality. Fantasy and reality should work together in a healthy way.

• Be careful what you ask for, applies here. If you would like to tell your fantasies or hear your lover's fantasies, be sure you're both ready to share and not to personalize! Hearing someone else's fantasies can be fun unless it will leave you feeling inadequate or taking things personally. For example, if you think that when your partner says he'd like to be with Marilyn Monroe (does anyone say this anymore?) you'd start thinking why hasn't he told me this before? I never knew he liked blondes? Oh, am I not enough of a woman for him that he needs to dream this stuff up?...... it may be safer not to ask.

• Fantasies may be helpful in resolving conflicts for individuals as well. At times the imagination will take you on a journey and, like all journeys, home may look better at its end. Don't be afraid of the mental journey, the fantasy ride. Do worry if it is beginning to slip into reality.

  Today a woman who had fantasies about her ex-boyfriend told us about how they had begun to be acted out (by sending him e-mail) in non-sexual terms but she became suddenly aware of the impact and meaning of her actions when she disclosed that all of this (the fantasy and the reality of the e-mail) was taking place without her husband's knowledge. Warning. Time to stop and figure out what this means and where it could land in the real world. Healthy fantasies don't have this kind of relationship threatening realities.

• Some fantasies are really a stretch outside of the realm of what we consider "normal" and are worth checking out with a professional to clarify meanings and possible problems that may be implied and not easily detected by the average person or their sexual partner.