Do Children Learn From Their Parents' Marriage? and Children Learn What They Live
	February 20th, 2001 Cityline

Some Discussions Based on The Book
What Children Learn From Their Parents' Marriage
By Judith P. Siegal
Published by Harper Collins

And the Poem by Dorothy Law Nolte

Today's topic, Do Children Learn From Their Parents' Marriage ? takes an inter-generational look at marriage. Our own marriages provide the relationship blueprints for our childrens' future relationships in the same way that our parent's marriages have drawn blueprints for us. This is a great book and a terrific poem and during the show there were lots of interesting calls. One caller in particular reminded me of the poem and then a caller named Tamara was nice enough to read us the copy from her fridge. A copy for you to hang on the fridge is attached.

Once you begin to think about this topic a number of thoughts will likely surface…...

WHAT DO CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS' MARRIAGE and WHAT DO OUR CHILDREN LEARN FROM OUR MARRAIGE????

WHAT HAVE MY PARTNER AND I LEARNED FROM EACH OF OUR PARENTS' MARRIAGES THAT ARE BLUEPRINTS FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP????

WHAT DO CHILDREN LEARN DURING THEIR PARENTS' MARRIAGE AND FROM THE END OF THEIR PARENTS' MARRIAGE IF AND WHEN THAT TAKES PLACE?

When we think about this, we have to promise ourselves that we will include the positive things that we think our children have learned along side the negative things we are often too hasty to list. Only looking at the negative is not about insight and looking to understand the blueprints and how we can effect and create change, it is simply beating ourself up unnecessarily. Use this to think about inter-generational growth, not blaming.
BLUEPRINTING…………..

The family in which one grows up lays out a number of blueprints for future ideas and thoughts about how relationships do and don't work. We draw these blueprints for our children in the way we interact with them and in the ways they see us interact with our marital partners.

SOME OF THE THINGS CHILDREN MIGHT LEARN ABOUT MARRIAGE (BLUEPRINTS) FROM THEIR PARENTS' MARRIAGE…..

• To what degree is a parents' couple relationship a priority?
• How much mutual support, respect and trust exists in this kind of relationship? What can I expect or aim for in my own marriage?
• How are differences of opinions, genders, and possibly cultures & faiths negotiated between marital partners?
• How is conflict resolved? What happens to resolve issues? What are the patterns? What is the climate of conflict?
• Is there friendship and affection communicated verbally and non-verbally (gestures) in obvious and less obvious ways?
• Do the key areas of marriage (sex, love, intimacy, in-laws & extended family and money management) seem to be in order or managed with minimal conflict?
• Do married people laugh?

When parent's separate, divorce and remarry the same type of question applies…..

WHAT ARE SOME OF THINGS CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS' SEPARATION, DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE?
However, in separation and remarriage time needs to be spent identifying what it is we want our children to learn from the experience and apply to future relationships. This takes time to assess and to articulate, but is well worth the investment. Generally this is easier to do after the initial period of separation.

BE PROACTIVE

It's time to take your blueprints, from your own parents…….

Get out the eraser and the ruler………..

Redraft new and improved blueprints for your children………

Pass on those new and improved blueprints for relationships for you children….

Don't forget to ….
Include the ruler and the eraser so your grandchildren will have healthier blueprints to forge ahead in their adult lives….

Onward and upward………….

HERE'S THE POEM.... IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU'RE NOT REALLY TRYING TO THINK OF ANYTHING AT ALL..........

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