WHY WE CALL IT THE GUILT NAP!

Most viewers of the show laugh when we call moms having a nap in the middle of the day a GUILT NAP. Here's a few words on the topic. Hope they are of interest and helpful to new moms.

Most new moms experience a great deal of fatigue. The birth itself creates a great deal of physical exhaustion with generally little or no time to catch up before they head into quickly trying to recreate themselves, their lives and their environments. Adoptive parents suffer much of the same, calling the early days with their child "baptism by fire" and often reporting a similar sense of unpreparedness and new found exhaustion.

So, the NEED for a nap seems obvious! The guilt part may need a bit of work and exploration.

PEOPLE WHO "SLEEP ALL DAY" ARE LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHINGS!

We tend to see adults who sleep during the day as less than productive. So, we all approach the notion of a nap as secret, in fear of being found out and judged by others with a similar value base.

"YOU GOT IT GOOD" GUILT

Let's see... hmm... you've got 1 kid, you don't work, your mother helps out, a husband home by 7:00 p.m. ----- and you nap too!---- what a great life. Oh in my day, we washed diapers and kitchen floors, we didn't have time to nap.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?"   GUILT

Husbands generally don't say "Hey Hon, maybe you should nap everyday." They probably come from a similar space where people who nap are lazy, their parents didn't nap, etc. If anything their questions about your day (often quite innocent) as to "what did you do today?" can frequently be heard as "WHAT ????? did you do all day?????" and may agitate feelings of guilt you are already feeling and contribute to lowering your self-esteem or sense of worth. Some women even think throughout the day.... "when he asks what I did I'll have to remember to tell him this" in order to defend their position.

THE " MY LIFE SUCKS" PARTNER GUILT

After you and the baby have arrived at home, and once things are back to normal (Where's normal?) partners who have gone back to work may continue to complain. You staying home with a baby somehow, all of a sudden (compared to traffic and working for that miserable boss, with that stupid secretary...) looks great! This is now the luxury plan! No boss! No traffic! Naps in the middle of the day! Aren't you lucky! And... I come home and take over! Things can start to get to this spot quite easily.

NOW WE NEED LOTS OF MONEY GUILT

Generally children cost a couple a lot of money. Money quickly gets tighter and not only are you home now but there is more financial pressure. This doesn't seem like a good time to mention you nap during the day.

I PROMISED THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN GUILT

We talked! I said I was okay about staying home for a bit and he said he was okay with it too. I said it was temporary. I wouldn't let myself turn into my mother. I'd be supermom. No rest. We don't have to turn into that picture. I promised myself I would never...... we would always...... and here we are. I nap. I'm afraid to tell him. I'm feeling guilty. I have to admit that I'm not the wife/mother/career/ superhuman/I'll work at the laptop between contractions and while I'm breast-feeding in the middle of night person I thought I could be. I'm tired. I need a nap.

HE'S A "GREAT PARTNER" (AND I STILL NEED A BREAK) GUILT

You're so lucky. He gets up to do the feedings ( and he doesn't need a nap). He says he "Loves to get up for this special time! He can hardly wait for the three of us to be together every minute we can! Isn't this great!................ And, how do I tell him "I need a break" from this baby! (Why? How could you? It's so cute! You wanted a family! Isn't it fun when we're all together?! )

HERE. YOU TAKE HIM/HER. I'M OUTTA HERE FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.........

AND,

I NAP SECRETLY EVERYDAY !

(Oops, bit carried away .... feeling guilty....)

WHAT'LL WE DO ABOUT ALL THIS GUILT

1. Acknowledge that you feel tired, you do need a nap and that you feel guilty.

2. Don't put that guilt in the driver's seat and let it drive you and steer you through exhaustion and hardship.

3. Try and screen or filter experiences that increase your sense of guilt by avoiding them or putting them to a stop.

4. Give yourself permission to:

Have a nap.

Have a break.

Get help from partners and parents and others.

Do things for yourself.

5. Think about this. If you feel guilty and have a nap it's better then if you feel guilty and don't have a nap. Feel guilty and have a nap. Feel guilty and go for a walk. Feel guilty and have someone over to give you a break. Feel guilty and have your hair cut. Feel guilty and look after yourself.

6. Talk to other new moms. Ask them:

Do you ever take a nap and not tell anyone?
Do you feel guilty when you want a break?
Does your husband at work make you feel like you are contributing less?

Break the silence.
Guilt is normal.
Put yourself, and not guilt, in charge.

June 2000