VERBAL SELF DEFENSE ....... AND GETTING HELP AND OTHER ACTS OF COURAGE
	January 24, 2001 Cityline

Some discussion based on the book: The Complete Idiot's Guide To Verbal Self Defense By Glass

At some time we could discuss the book's title and the use of the work idiot to describe the user, but we wont do that now. Today is about being on the receiving end of remarks and comments, as well as being on the side that dishes it out. Neither side feels great and both the sender and the receiver may discover very low self-esteem to be the effects of this kind of verbal interaction. Unlike other abuses or confrontations, the verbal one's can be difficult to identify and figure out. There are no bruises and lots of time can be spent in factual arguments (he said/she said, it is true, you deserved it...) that distance the arguers from the true feelings of humiliation and discouragement.

Definitions

If you feel abused or humiliated by a remark, or are making remarks which conjure up these feelings in others then it is worth taking a moment to think about whether or not your relationship suffers from verbal abuse. Name calling is a sign. So you hear / say:

idiot
dummy
bitch
asshole
fatso
fag
He's a _________, like your side of the family.

& lots more.

This kind of abuse is verbal (spoken) and is generally a sign that there are other moments in your verbal interaction that could be addressed by each of you, either of you, or both of you.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Although the book is more confrontational than I tend to be (some of their suggestions are to fight, be sarcastic, etc.) they do also offer a verbal self defense that may be useful. I tend to see verbal abuse as an issue people have to deal with in stages, but only if their relationship is a safe enough place to speak up and disagree and feel safe. If you're not sure if you relationship is safe, figure this out first. Being safe and feeling safe is a pre-requisite to creating this kind of change.

Here are 3 stages towards resolution that may be helpful.

Stage 1 - Private

In a private space tell your partner something like "I want to tell you something about the way you speak to me. When you ______, I feel _____"

For example.

When you tell me to shut up I feel put down.
When you say "I wish I was getting some" I feel humiliated.
When you say I'm like my mother I feel cornered.
When you tell the kids to "just come to you" I feel left out & useless.

Insert yours here: ________________________________________________________

Then, no matter what they say to defend themselves, explain themselves, say you're thinking silly, show you how you are just over-reacting again, etc, just make sure you listen but end with you saying:

"Anyway, I thought I should let you know that when you do that, that's how I feel."

There. Stage one. I have spoken, informed, not argued, just informed.

If they do the same thing again (or something similar) you can try Stage one again. Maximum two tries. Then move to Stage two.

Stage 2 - Public. This is about them.

So, you've tried in private two times and it happens again in public. You feel it. Exactly the feeling you told them about. You bravely and courteously say something like "Remember I told you that there's a time I feel humiliated (abused, cornered, put down, etc) by you? Well its right now so I thought I'd let you know."

This may seem shocking. There may be some angry questions from the other person on the way home or on the way upstairs. "Why did you do that in front of people. How could you say that to me? I was so embarrassed." They may even become more abusive. At this point you can remind them that you tried doing this privately and that they obviously didn't get it, so you assumed they needed you to point it out while it was happening and that you are doing this to end a part of the relationship that doesn't really work, not to have a fight on the way home or on the way upstairs.

Stage 2 can be tried a maximum of two times as well.

Stage 3 - Private. About Yourself.

Been through stage one, 2 times.
Been through stage two, 2 times.

This keeps happening. They don't get it or don't want to get it. You keep winding up feeling this way.

You're out, again. You feel it coming. It arrives. The comment, the remark. The thing you feel you need to defend yourself against.

You say, courteously, "Can you please excuse me." You leave. You go home. Go somewhere. You decide that your partner can do whatever they would like. You have reached a point where you have to decide if you are going to be the person who is spoken to in this manner. Change is now within. This is not about being angry or material for a future threat or a fight. This is about change. Seek help at this point. Help your partner understand that this is about you, not them anymore. You need to think, privately, about where you are & who you want to be.

Mad at You

I start this journey being mad at you for saying things to me, for doing this, and then for not listening when I try to end this part of our relationship for both of us. I am mad at you for making me feel this way. Humiliated. Cornered. Left out.

Mad at Me

I will eventually get to mad at myself for being the person who tries to make this better and eventually gets to see that I am the person this keeps happening to, who has tried their best, and needs to think clearly about looking after myself.

THE "VERBAL ABUSER" CALLS: GETTING HELP & OTHER ACTS OF COURAGE

Today, as often happens, we get a call from the person who says "That's me. I do that. I say nasty things to people I love (my partner, my kids, my family members, etc.). They feel this way too. You may be right." Now the trick is to get help.

Many people feel that getting help for their relationship is a sign of weakness, or mismanagement of their personal life. There are a lot of fears associated with getting help and many people believe the myth that if you go to marriage counselling you're going to get a divorce. This is often substantiated by people who are divorced and did in fact seek out marriage counselling. Courage has to do with fear. Seeking help is not an admission of something, it is generally an act of courage and adulthood. This caller feels good that she is on the road to help for something she has thought about attending to for a long time. The help is necessary, for those brave enough to admit they are human, flawed and ready to accept responsibility and create change. The first steps are already taken in the 4 minute call to us. The road, for the courageous, is still uphill.

Getting help as the abused person can be equally as courageous. In Canada we can start with the helplines listed at the front of the white pages phone book.

If you got stuck at the part around feeling safe, encourage yourself like you would your best friend. This is about getting to a better place. Onward....... & upward....