Rescue Your Relationship
	June 27th, 2000 Cityline

When you've let it go, settled for less, complained, whined and done little else about your "needs work relationship" its time to put your relationship on PROJECT STATUS!

The book mentioned on today's show was Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phillip McGraw who is frequently seen on Oprah. Some people know him as "Tell It Like It Is Phil."

This book is a step-by-step approach advocated by the author. The book recommends 7 steps and a number of other ideas to follow in a suggested sequential order. It promotes what's known as a "program" (or formula) approach to relationship repair. If you think you need a step-by-step, this is one of a number of books you may want to look at.

To rescue your relationship requires conscious effort, thought and a long term commitment focused on the day-to-day work of the relationship.

All of this works best when both partners are on board and working from the start.

All of this works "2^nd best" when 1 person is working at things in the relationship and the other partner joins in as successes are achieved.

All of this works "3^rd best" (or not at all) when only 1 person does the work to rescue and the other person never comes on board.

Rescuing a relationship requires more than a date once a week. Date(s) for married people are a good idea to keep things going, dates do not rescue the relationship.

Try to create a POSITIVE AND OPTIMISTIC climate of rescue by:

Look at "What we HAVE" as a start,
     rather than solely looking at,
          "What we LACK."

Today we get a call from a woman with 2 children (ages 4 and 4 months.) She and her husband are "friends," "like siblings", but "if it weren't for the kids, she thinks it would be over." Her interest in a relationship rescue leaves her sounding desperate and in a real bind.

Although we are able to make some suggestions, it becomes obvious that she has become so entrenched in the problems ahead, that she has lost touch with the positive base from which she (and her mate) can work to rescue their relationship.

"So, you and your husband have friendship, a commitment to family and your children in common as a base to work from? Begin there."

This surprises her for a moment but grounds us in where the rescue begins and what we can count on.

PUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP ON PROJECT STATUS

Putting your relationship on project status means:

• Consciously working on the relationship

• Making it a priority

• Investing in insight and change

• Doing things people do to see how well we can make it work. Things like;
  • dating
  • massages
  • intimate moments
  • calls ("to say I love you")
  • meeting your partner for lunch (on their schedule)
  • making love
  • writing and sending cards
  • taking stuff off of other's plate (not food, workload)
  • gestures (pick up newspaper, have spouses parents over)
  • find photos and happy memory things
  • stop saying negative things about your life together
  • tell them you're trying and take a leadership role in this relationship (initiate, do for, etc.)

FIND YOUR RESOURCES

Early in the show a woman calls us. She is in her late 20's, has five (5!) children and recently has moved to the small town her husband grew up in. Her in-laws live in the small town and her husband spends Monday to Thursday in their old city. RESCUE ALERT!

The first step for this mother of 5 is to build resources. Now! She needs to know:

• can her in-laws be counted on?
• where is babysitting?
• what and where are the community resources
  • recreation
  • library
  • after school
  • public health
  • church

To do the rescue she looks for, she'll need more than a conscious effort, she'll need a team effort! Having her husband "on board" and simply focusing won't be enough. Practical and concrete matters need to be addressed. Before relationship rescue, she needs all of the tools, skills, participants lined up and ready to go!

A goal of a few months of trying sitters and using resources should begin to bring this family to a place where she can "find" the marriage and rescue it with her husband. Rescue is a conscious long-term effort beginning with the day-to-day.

Counselling and Reconciliation As Rescue

Malcolm calls. Married for 6 years, separated 3 years ago. He talks about the large amount of conflict they had for the 3 years they were together. She's gone from his life. She even has joined another church. When they have seen each other he thinks "maybe." This is not rescue. This, unfortunately for Malcolm, doesn't even sound like married or separated. It sounds like that odd place called "not divorced. I suggest Malcolm consider a specific kind of counselling available for couples called reconciliation counselling.

In the world of couple therapy/marriage counselling generally we find the following alternatives:

• Pre-Marital Counselling - for engaged people, and people contemplating marriage

• Marriage Counselling - for married couples (or couples living common law over a period of time.)

• Separation Counselling - to assist couples in separating.

• Divorce Mediation - a form of alternative dispute resolution that may focus on a range of things including:
  • child custody
  • access for children
  • division of assets
  • co-parenting plans and on-going planning
  • resolution of specific disputes in a divorce
  • arbitration of matters

• Reconciliation Counselling - for couples who have separated, in all ways and have either divorced or just been apart for so long and decide to return to their relationship but will need to cover (in counselling) a number of things which could include:
  • their marriage
  • the breakdown of the marital relationship
  • the events of their individual respective separations and how to deal with that period
  • issues of reconciliation and fears, issues of possible further separation
  • inclusion of children, loved ones in the process