OPEN SHOW
	June 6th, 2000 Cityline

Once every 5 or 6 weeks the show is an open hour for callers to connect with issues or problems they'd like to identify, explore, resolve or solve. Today's call and discussion included a couple of ideas that hopefully will be useful to the individual callers and viewers in general. In particular, the show spent some time on the ideas of
BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
      and, PICK A DATE AND TIME (EXPIRY DATE).

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

Dawn is 42 years old, in a relationship for a year. In three minutes she tells us:

• This man shopped in her store and initially she was not interested in him.

• 2 weeks after they started dating she discovered that he was also dating someone else. He reassures her and allays her fears with "she (the other woman) doesn't have a ball and chain around my feet."

• He continues to see both women. She continues to see him.

• Her roommate moves out. Her expenses go up. She keeps the place and he offers financial assistance that she accepts.

• It's now a year. He still sees both of them. Dawn calls. She's not sure of what's next?

First of all, we remind ourselves (and I remind the audience of 60 Fireman's Wives) that he could be a great guy who just isn't interested in long-term monogamous relationships. This does happen. She may need to see this. It doesn't mean its "over" but it might mean that he is,

Just a nice guy not interested in a monogamous relationship!!!!

Although Dawn may be correct in assuming she's "picking men (generally) who she can't have" and could use professional help to fight her way out of the problem, for now she needs a plan.

Be Your Own Best Friend is a strategy designed to help people who are "in" their situation to gain at least some objectivity necessary for:

• assessing and figuring out
• decision-making
• safety planning
• thinking.

It's as easy as this:

Sit on one side of a table and tell your story out loud to an empty chair that we'll call your "best friend chair." Once you're done, move into the "best friend chair" and give yourself some "advice." Tell yourself (out loud) what you would tell your best friend if they had this problem and you were honestly trying to help them if they were in the same situation.

Heed the advice you give yourself. Listen to it. Check it out with others (who may have been reluctant to make the same suggestions but are willing to agree to them (now that you mention it). Consider making a decision.

If you find yourself stuck between 2 opposing outcomes, introduce a third alternative to break out of the right and wrong bind that having only 2 alternatives can create.

PICK A DATE AND TIME (EXPIRY DATE)

Dawn's call begins with "it's been a year." To us, as listeners, this sounds like a long time but, a year goes quickly! So, I suggest that Dawn think about picking a date or time frame within which she can bring her issues and problems to some form of resolution or solution. Otherwise, Dawn, like all of us, could be a candidate for having the problem for another year and then calling next year saying "it's been 2 years..."

She needs to put a time limit on how long she is willing to have this problem in it's unresolved fashion. Once she makes this decision, she has a base for better goal planning and future decision making and she can now plan for all of the foreseeable outcomes between now and the predetermined date.

This is not a time frame she develops with the man she has described, it is her time frame and suits her, her life, her goals and the direction she would like to move in. Dawn needs change. Dawn needs to decide if the change she seeks is evolutionary or revolutionary in nature. This will influence her choice of time frame as well.

Why do we say "expiry date?" This phrase has become a bit of a joke with viewers. It implies that some relationships should come with an expiry date stamped on the rear end of the more difficult person in the relationship. Like orange juice, check the date, if it's expired, get rid of it.

In some ways picking a date and time may also be a form of "know when to hold and when to fold." The "how long" of a problem in relationships is an important variable in terms of how long has this been going on and how much longer will it continue in its present form?????