WILL MY MARRIAGE LAST? The first two years of marriage
	March 7th, 2000 Cityline

Today's show asks a question that we often consider at the early stages of relationships and especially at a time when separation and divorce are so prevalent in our society. I'm reminded of a man I recently sat with at a wedding dinner. Half-way through the evening, he announced that he'd lost his faith in any relationship lasting and, as a result, he post- dated the cheque he had given the couple for six months down the road. Funny or a sign of the times?

In looking at this question we turn our attention to the early stages of the long-term relationship shared by couples.  Basically we looked at 2 main areas, the first being the importance of positive feelings, and the second being the  couple's need for good communication and conflict management skills.

Basically, the average ("normal") adult long-term relationship evolves from a more "romantic phase" to a partnership or partnering phase in the first 2 years.  Although the partnership phase has its wonderful moments, the evolution of the relationship to this spot generally includes some degree of disillusionment on the part of both of the partners. Disillusionment (or in its extreme - Reality Shock) will generally take place during these first 2 years.

Making decisions in the romantic phase (a.k.a. the honeymoon period - as in the honeymoon's over!) may result in  long-term  conflict and unforseen dilemmas which one may be saddled with for prolonged periods of time.  Jennifer called today to tell us about instant love and romance and a quick decision to conceive a child and then the major disillusionment (reality) she had to face with a 9 month old baby at  only 2 years into her relationship.

Last week on another show a viewer had been in a 7 month relationship and was married, pregnant and moving to a new house.  At this spot she was painfully disillusioned (partially because the illusion had been so grand) and was in the painful throws of disillusionment and an acute awareness of the absence of the feelings of partnership she realized had not been developing over this period.  In her unfortunate situation, she has helped to illustrate the points discussed in this week's show, but was buying into "stuck" as she felt hopeless about now creating any change in her life. Inactivity or "stuck" may become one's enemy in this kind of situation.

Getting help early in a relationship is looked down upon by many, and on the other hand quite  frightening to others.  Thoughts like "We barely know each other, should we be in that intense a situation so early on?" and those that are filled with doubts like "If we need help this early, this relationship is doomed" often stop couples from getting help with the evolution from the romantic phase to the partnership phase of the early relationship.

If you are in the romantic phase be cautious with making decisions which are more suited for (and better made within!) the partnership phase of the relationship.
If you are experiencing disillusionment in the first 2 years and it is in the context of gaining a sense of partnering with your partner hang in and see how it goes.
If it is 2 years later and there's no romance, no partnership and lots of conflict, stop and think about getting help as a way of moving forward instead of thinking the negative thoughts of, I can't reverse things.  Take charge!