SIBLINGS
	May 31st, 2000 Cityline

No book was used for today's show but a great book for parents concerned about this issue and how to deal with the issues of sibling rivalry with their small children is:

Siblings Without Rivalry
     by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich

(They are also the co-authors of the wonderful book
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk)

For many adults the sibling relationship is the longest standing relationship they will have in their life. Its importance is based on this fact and also the number of shared experiences (both good and bad) that siblings share in their lives. Although over the past 20 years there have been significant changes in the ways parents parent siblings, unfortunately for most adults we still sit stuck in the rivalries and difficulties of sibling relationships which have been the outcome of less than effective parenting strategies. We still can laugh at the old Smothers Brothers line "Mom always liked you best" in spite of the fact that its not always that funny in the growing up years.

Define the Relationship Outside The Family

How we would describe this relationship to others outside of the family helps us to define it to ourselves.

We frequently think in simple terms when we think about siblings. Yet, there are lots of types of sibling relationships and with each their own set of pleasures, issues, dilemmas and potential problems. To look at one's sibling relationship it is important to define it in objective terms, something we rarely do. To do this we ask ourselves:

What kind of sibling relationship is this?
    and,
Are some of our issues common or typical to these kinds of relationships in general?

Brother / sister?

Brother / brother?

Sister / sister?

2 siblings in a family with 2 children? (... family with 3?... 4? .......)

Age difference between the two?

Twins? Triplets?

Foster child and biological child?

Two adopted children?

Half - siblings? (One common parent)

Step-siblings? (Different biological parents)

...... To name just a few of the possibilities...

Things That May Still Be Affecting Our Sibling Relationship In Adulthood

• Why can't you be more like your brother???

• She's the good child.

• Girls are easier. Boys leave home, girls are yours forever.

• You wont be pulling the stunts your sister did! In fact, you can't go out.

• Call your brother. He needs you. You're his only sister. Help him. Talk sense to him. He listens to you . He used to only eat what you ate. Do it for your mother and I.

• This is for you. Don't tell your brothers and sisters. You know how jealous they get.

Here's room for your version.... What did your parents do or say that affected your sibling relationships and may still be the base of today's conflicts or issues? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

................ AND THEN WE GROW UP.

Feeling second, feeling guilty for being the favourite, feeling "hard done by" but unable to speak, feeling like a shadow of the super star sibling or a carbon copy of someone else, all as a result of living and being in this family. The two central influences to the sibling relationship are the family of origin and how it operates around them and, the in-law relationships established when siblings grow up and choose partners.

When we enter adulthood we have new choices that are not available to us as children in the family. Growing up there is a sense that this is your family (mom, dad, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, etc.) and that regardless of who they are or what they do they remain in place. As adults, we begin to be more selective. Beginning to pick and choose degrees of closeness and distance in these relationships. For many this creates conflict. Parents may wish for you to remain close with a sister or brother who has only caused you grief because they, the parents, confuse the choices of closeness or distance you may have as a sibling, with the little choices they may have as parents of a more difficult child. This confusion of relationships means that parents who may always keep trying with their child, may assume that you will do the same with this person who is your sibling. The truth is, the parent - child relationship is significantly different than the sibling relationship, including the degrees to which siblings are able to choose the very nature of their adult relationships with one another outside of the family.

Many of us don't know our siblings outside of the family and therefore have really little adult information to base our decisions on. For those that do, and like their sibling as an adult, a person and a peer, the family gets lots of pleasure in seeing their closeness. For those who discover that the don't like each other as adult siblings in their relationship outside of the family, the family may need to go through a process of accepting that this kind of distance exists. The parents' love for the child may be unconditional, the siblings love for one another cannot be unconditional.

CHALLENGE: CAN YOU AND YOUR SIBLING GO OUT FOR LUNCH AND NOT TALK ABOUT THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN?

     What will you discover? What will happen next? Who are they and who are we, as adults, outside of all those influences? It might be the first of many lunches, it might be the last. Time to check it out????

WHY ARE MY SIBLING(S) AND I ESTRANGED?

Generally there are two reasons or rationales that apply to this situation.

1. My siblings or I have an addition or have been involved in incest or some other horrible experience in the family and this just sits between us, un solved and unresolved as one or both of us move ahead.

Or,

2. This is a family where people stop speaking to one another as a way of resolving conflict.

Today we heard from a woman who had a sister she was close to until she called her sister on because of an action she felt was irresponsible and not very nice to her 6 year old daughter. That's it, game over, Sister stops talking to her, didn't invite her for Christmas and now waits for her to call and make it okay ( another family pattern ). Turns out, as we discuss things she tells us (casually) that this sister is so unreasonable that she hasn't spoken to dad in 18 years! Dad still goes over, they manage to not speak with the assistance of other family members. This family is willing to accommodate this not talking behaviour, and this is a family where people resolve things by stopping the talking communication. This is not really estranged, just some good old dysfunctional behaviour that needs to be addressed. When asked about it, the caller says, "Yeah I know its nuts" and trails off into, well, you know sis, what she can be like, ...........

Not much room for change here.

THE SIBLING RELATIONSHIP: WHEN THE PARENTS DIE

For many, this is the spot where the siblings realize (often by surprise) that in the absence of parents and the pressure they may have created or positive influences they may have had, this is a relationship for adults which is primarily by choice. For many, this one thought can be quite liberating and helps to pave the path to a more manageable, safe and satisfying relationship with a sibling.

THE SIBLING RELATIONSHIP: SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Today one caller wants to know our professional advice as it relates to her situation. She has two step children as a result of her marriage to their dad. He has been divorced twice. The children (his) aren't very close. This may be the fallout from their family separation, taking into account the number of children and adults who experience multiple losses during parental separation including the loss of family. I think that when these siblings grow up they may search out family and find that through their sibling relationship they can create a stronger sense of family. In the same way we find the importance of grandparents in families of separation and divorce when the children in the family need to heal from the feelings of loss as they apply to the loss of family. What we see in the sibling relationship at one stage of life may be greatly altered at another.

THE SIBLING RELATIONSHIP: ISSUES AND PROBLEMS

Lots of sibling relationships are saddled with issues. Much fewer have problems.

Two calls today illustrated that the perspective of viewing events and experiences as issues instead of problems may be healthier for all involved.

The first was a woman who is 37 years old and the youngest of 4 sisters. THE BABY, as everyone quickly yells out before she even gets to speak. Her "problem?" They still treat me like a child, they don't treat me like an adult, they don't value my opinions. Although at first glance this appears to be a problem, the first step is to re-approach this situation as one of the issues she and her sisters face. Problems require solutions. Issues require differing degrees of resolution. Can we make this problem a series of issues and approach with resolution in mind instead of solutions. I suggest she relaxes, reminds herself that these are the issues for the fourth daughter of four daughters and begin to attack the issues from this new perspective. Go find the book BIG SISTER, LITTLE SISTER and mail each sister a copy with a nice note. "Let's try" goes farther that you always.... I never.... No one ever.... Let's share the issues and start resolving them.