When I Say NO I Feel Guilty; I Feel Guilty and I Don't Say NO!
	May 9th, 2000 Cityline

Discussion based on:
How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

By: Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch

The topic of saying no and feeling guilty appears elsewhere in this website. Today the topic is about How to say no without feeling guilty and How to say no with feeling guilty.

Resentment Here I Come!: A Hypothesis

Every person who relates to this problem will, undoubtably find themselves feeling resentful and taken advantage of at some point in time. Faced with these feelings about others, they may see themselves as the victims of, those who do not appreciate them, or those who are quick to take advantage of them. It will take a few moments to realize that after we are mad at them, we may wind up mad at ourselves and then, finally, ready to figure out and fix what is really in our charge. Our own behaviour.

HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS AND IDEAS DESIGNED TO BE HELPFUL.

*Guilty is a feeling.

If you can't stop feeling guilty then you'll need to feel it and continue feeling it and change your behaviour in spite of feeling it. Not easy but possible.

If you can stop it, by all means do. Stopping is not automatic or instant. It takes time. You may look at three ways to measure feelings (feeling experiences like guilt) as you try to stop them. They are:

1. Frequency of the feeling
      Do I feel it less often then I used to?

2. Intensity of the feeling
      Do I feel it still, but not feel dizzy or like throwing up (or any other physical symptoms)?

3. Duration of the feeling
      Do I feel it for shorter periods of time? Do I feel guilty but actually fall asleep late rather than being up all night. Is it a wave that washes over me rather that a swim against the current?

**If I had Sex every time I felt aroused, I'd have a similar problem.

Adults don't always act the way they feel. That would lead to trouble.

If I had sex every time I felt aroused, I'd have a similar problem is a joke. It comes to mind when people explain that they have a feeling that always results in a series of behaviours that they see as out of their control. I use it when people say "I feel guilty, so I say yes." It means, you can feel something and a behaviour can come to mind automatically and you don't have to do what has come to mind. We're adults. We control our behaviours, change our behaviours, as a result of our feelings and / or in spite of our feelings.
Guilt as the feeling in charge of how you behave is a plan for disaster. Guilt, without it being in charge of your behaviour is the human experience.

***People Close To You Can Make You Feel Guilty

If you feel guilty there is lots you can do.

The responses to feeling guilty can range from:

Paying attention to it [it's your conscience speaking to you and sending you a message about something you are doing that feels wrong]

to

I am doing nothing that should make one feel guilty but the other person or persons in this relationship are making me feel guilty to

I feel guilty all the time.

Find the source of your guilt. Feel it. Describe it. Apply yourself to it by thinking it through. If it is telling you something then listen. If it is the result of others then look towards what you can do to cope with it. If you feel it all the time, give it a lot of thought. Think about taking charge.

****Think of This As A Game Show

Can I buy a vowel?
Can I use a lifeline? Call a friend?
Can I ask the audience?

So it's real life. It's a game show......

You feel guilty. The pressure is on. You are now aware that you are about to say "yes" to doing something you really want to say "no" to. Panic. On the spot.

Can I get back to you?
Can I check with my family?

Go home. Talk yourself to no. Make the call. Say no. See what happens. Feel good. Look after yourself. Remember, buying these few minutes will give you time to get off the hot seat, think, rethink, and talk yourself to no.

*****Trick Yourself

Tell everyone you have been thinking about trying to feel less guilty and saying no more than you usually do (make it sound real casual). Then, when the time comes to say no to them, say (smile)

"Remember I was bitching about how I always feel guilty and I mentioned I was working at saying no, this is a really good practice for me. No. There I feel great. Thanks for your help."

This works to trick others too. Listen to this.

...... here comes that neighbour who has borrowed everything I own and never returned anything until I go over and get it.......

"Oh, I'm so glad you came over to borrow that. I'm working at saying no and not feeling guilty and I promised myself the next three people who asked me to do anything would have to hear no. So, the answer is no. I think the neighbour down the hall has one too, maybe she can loan it to you. How are your kids doing?"

******Develop a Policy

I love this. Say you have a policy. It's not no. It's "we have a policy." You know policy. If anyone asks, tell them it's a new policy written and enforced by THE DEPARTMENT OF SELF IMPROVEMENT (Yes, as a matter of fact I am the Manager of the Department) . Here's how it can work:

Oh, no, we can't. We have a policy of not having people over during week nights unless it is a very special occasion for someone in the family.

Oh, no, we can't. We have a policy of not lending money to relatives or close friends. It always gets so messy.

*******Solicit The Help of Others You Have Never Met: Find a Great Quote and Use It

You know what they say....

Neither a lender nor borrower be.

(is the same as) No, no money from us, you're too irresponsible. Check out books of quotations and places people quote. You'll sound very wise and no one will realize (until they go home or hang up) that you just said "no."