LEARN TO SAY IT!

Learn to say it means you have to use the word in sentences, learn how to overcome things, learn how to still view yourself as an okay person if you say it.

PRACTICE IT!

Practice it means you have to use it a lot. Take small moments and say no just for the sake of using the word.

Mom, is dinner ready yet? No. Could you pick this up if you get a chance? No, I wont be able to tomorrow. Would you like another time to do this? No. I'll call next week. Would you like to take advantage of this one time special offer? No thank you.

You could say or indicate all of this without using the word no but then it wouldn't be practice. Don't start with difficult no's.

SAY IT FOR FUN!

Tell everyone in the family, at work, your boyfriend, your siblings, your roommates that this week you are practicing saying no and meaning it. You hope they can all help.

SOME THINGS FOR YOU TO KNOW

SAYING NOTHING

If you say nothing don't expect the world to hear no. In this area of communication we still battle the idea that silence (saying nothing) in some way implies consent. So, don't wait it out in hopes that they "get it" when you say nothing.

EVEN IF YOU SAY NO, PEOPLE HEAR WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR

If given the choice, people won't pick the answer they probably didn't want to hear. Even when people say no, they find out that there are people who will still HEAR maybe, we'll see, ask again later.

This is how we got to expressions like:

Which part of NO didn't you understand?

NO is a full sentence.

Say no. Even then the battle continues to try and set limits for others in your life.

FIGURE OUT AND FIX

While you are learning to say NO and practicing the art of it, it may be worthwhile to take a few moments to figure out why you don't say no very easily. Don't think this is figured out unless you are prepared to try saying NO. This is not encouragement to just say, why you don't, and then to leave it at that. Better yet, don't spend any time on figuring it out and just start using it. Figuring out can be important but does not allow for not doing.

Try looking at these if you are figuring out:

Generally people don't say no because they are afraid.

It's hard to get over these fears and therefore may be harder to say no. Once you practice and learn how to use "no" your fears may go away and/or at less fortunate times you may have to face them. Everyone can find a relationship that only goes well because you never say no to the other person's ideas, thoughts and suggestions. Better to start the saying no to the smaller items so you and they are prepared should you find yourself saying no to the big ticket items.

Generally people don't say no because they feel guilty.

I can do it for them, it's easier for me.
If I don't do it who will? Why should they suffer?
I tried saying no, then I felt so awful I did it anyway.
I'd be selfish if I didn't go out of my way for others.

Wouldn't it be sad if a little thing like saying no got in the way of our relationship? Do I need to say it that badly? I'm fine with yes.

Generally people who don't say no are hiding feelings of resentment from the very people they have said yes to all these years.

Not saying no can lead to doing for others constantly, making sacrifices, running yourself ragged to keep promises you have made, only to discover that in the jobs of life you are doing yours and frequently the jobs of a host of others. Tell yourself this and then when you start to feel afraid or guilty, use this to calm yourself down and to get back to no.

In the short run things are going well, in the long run we worry about where all the resentment has gone and what will happen if enough resentment builds up to ever surface and to overpower the being afraid of and the guilt that keep it inside of you. Will you burst? Explode? Implode? Will resentment overtake all? Will you get to seeing yourself as selfish (as if there's a chance that a person who can't say no could ever really be selfish) and quickly retreat?

Selfish is not a possibility for you. You would really have to work at it. Try to think of it as being less self-less (rather than more selfish) and try looking after yourself, doing what you need and want to do, including saying no!

People who do not say no are not saints. They are often selfless to the same degree as they may see those who are selfish. Neither selfish nor self-less in their exaggerated states works well over the long run. Try to be a bit of both, and none of either. You'll land in a better spot.

Don't Just Say Yes. . . .

If you have been addressing the I can't say "No" problem for some time now, you may want to try this, I call it "PICKING A NEW PROBLEM".

Instead of continuing to unsuccessfully focus on your inability to say NO, you may want to focus on how you say yes. So, now you can address your problem as: "I won't say YES unless I mean it."

• YES means YES, I want to, I can, I am able.

• I will only say yes if it is well thought out.

• People will like me better and trust me more if they know I only say yes when I mean it.

• I will say maybe, can I get back to you?, I'm not sure, and anything else that forces me to think my way to yes and to let people know I've taken their request under consideration. They'll know you're thinking about saying yes and they'll like that.

If you want the outcome to be no, call and say, "I'd love to say yes to your offer (idea?, suggestion?, demand?) but I simply can't. Thanks for asking". There. You still haven't said No, but that wasn't "the problem" we were addressing. You've solved the saying Yes when you don't mean it problem. Now, Saying no is much closer.