STRESS, GUILT AND A PAYCHEQUE: WOMEN IN THE WORKPLACE

On April 20,2000 I was honoured to be the guest speaker at the Third Thursday of the Month Women's Breakfast Network of Oshawa. This group meets monthly in the morning and is committed to advocating the success of business women and women in business. Here's a few notes for those in attendance and some thoughts on the topic of Stress, Guilt and A Paycheque: Women in The Workplace.

The presentation could not begin without acknowledging the advances made by women in the workplace in the past 30 years. Although we tend to view things through the eye of our own lifetimes, the truth is that many of the gains made by women have been in the second half of the last century, with the greatest gains still being made as we enter into the 21st century. I consider the gains to be made on the emotional front, especially in the area of feeling guilty to be of high impact as women move forward and find their place at work and at home.

The presentation rests itself on a number of thoughts and ideas that may be worth mentioning individually. As a group, they represent what I think may be some of the contributing factors that have made stress, guilt and a paycheque the 3 points on the triangle.

1)	Women feel guilty and bring this guilt to the workplace.
2)	Women play a variety of roles and continue to do so by adding the roles faced in the workplace rather than renegotiating roles they already assume. The role of mother, the role of daughter, the role of wife, friend & sister are all active roles for women in their day to day lives.
3)	Women face a variety of attitudes regarding women who work, both in the workplace itself, from other women, in addition to their own attitudes.
4)	Women's contributions to the workplace have not yet been assigned value. Women are too willing to provide services for free which they themselves do not yet value.
5)	Women assign values to the workplace like, a place for friendship, a place to get away from the kids for a few hours, a way of getting extra money, which have short-term benefits and ignore the work - for - money equation necessary for moving ahead.

These are thoughts on women in the workplace I have brought to this presentation and to this written piece on the topic..

I'M AT WORK. I FEEL GUILT. I'M HOME EARLY TODAY. I FEEL GUILTY.

We have finally decided to stop telling working women that they should not feel guilty or that they should stop feeling guilty. Guilty is no longer bad, as long as it is not running your life. Guilt is normal. We can validate feeling guilty for women in the workplace. Let's work towards less guilty over time.

Let's start there. Now. Don't let that guilt take charge. Guilt's okay if it's something you feel is present in the car as you drive through town, just don't let it get behind the wheel and take over.

Go ahead and
        feel it,
            acknowledge it,
                address it

and then do whatever it is that seemed like a good and reasonable idea before you gave into it.

The test.

Can you come to have your appointment on lunch hour tomorrow?
Yes, but....

well... I'm sure if you can have me in and out of there in an hour.....people will notice I did this on lunch...... I was going to drop by at mom's and wash her kitchen floor and bring her lunch.... I told the kids I couldn't come home and make them lunch and they had to eat at school.........the boss doesn't like it if I'm late ......

GET TO YES!!!!!!! Okay you feel guilty. Guaranteed, if you go, you'll feel guilty, but next time you'll feel less guilty. Time after that is less guilty. You can figure it our from here.

THE GOAL. "Oh, when did you have time for that?" They ask.

"0h, I go every week on my lunch hour." You reply.
"Must be nice." They say with sarcasm (envy?)

"Thanks. It is." (Optional comment: " Was that supposed to make me feel guilty?")

ATTITUDES

Working women need strategies to deal with attitudes. When I think about all of the difficult attitudes that we encounter I find the following social work phrase helpful in trying to deal with them.

You can identify them. Challenge them. Ignore them. Do lots of things with them, you just can't legislate or make certain people change them. Try not to waste too much time. Other things are more open to change and require your attention and affection.

Here's an excerpt from my notes on the topic...............

YOU KNOW THE STORY.....      If HE works his way up from the mail room it's the story of a modern day hero.      If SHE works her way up from the secretarial pool it's a miracle. YOU HEAR THE VOICES.........      In MY day [the good ole days] a woman only worked if she had to.      Oh, don't the children need you at home [screaming and yelling and going nuts). YOU KNOW THE DRILL.............. I'll show them. I can do this work thing and still be the perfect mother and daughter and wife and volunteer and car pool driver and grocery shopper and meal maker and....SUPERMOM!!! That will shut them up. I don't need any help. These are attitudes. We need more role models and heroines. We need to acknowledge these voices as background noise and interference when we listen to our own voices. Supermom is a myth and an unattainable goal that creates guilt, frustration and feelings of inadequacy. Forget the myth. Admit to being human.

FINAL REMARKS

Working women shop for the office because they are at the grocery store already. Working men who shop for the office come in late because the store doesn't open until 9 a.m.!

April 2000